So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
