I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Randomize
