its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
