If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
