He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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