im drinking this country out of the recession.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
