i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
