Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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