I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
