Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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