uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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