If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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