i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
