Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
