Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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