thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
