Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Randomize
