Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
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