Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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