I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
