Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
