i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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