he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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