Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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