Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
