When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
she peed on how many people?
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
