I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
