Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Randomize
