living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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