The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
