I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
