Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
