tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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