the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
