her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
