If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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