It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I deserve this hangover.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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