I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Randomize
