The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
