I wannas sexs uuuuu
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
