I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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