Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
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