i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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