There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
