you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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