Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
