he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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