Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
