my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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