when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
