im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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